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Musician Jokes
Musician JokesThe following are jokes I’ve received and collected over the years, all relating to musicians. Many of these play off the typical stereotypes of the various instrumentalists/vocalists, but are highly amusing when taken with a light heart. Besides, when it comes to people-related humor, I like to think that the first people we should laugh at are ourselves.A young child says to his mother,"Mom, when I grow up I’d like to be a musician."She replies,"Well, honey, you know you can’t do both."Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?A: A tattoo.Q: What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?A: The defendant.Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?A: Homeless.Q: What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?A: It saves time in the long run.Q: What’s the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.Q: What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?A: About three decibels.Q: What’s the latest crime wave in New York City?A: Drive-by trombone solos.Q: What’s the definition of a minor second interval?A: Two oboists reading off the same part.Q: What is another term for trombone?A: A wind-driven manually operated pitch approximator.Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?A: On or off.Q: What’s the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?A: A bad oboist can kill you.Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.Q: What’s the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?A: Lipstick.Q: Why do people play trombone?A: Because they can’t move their fingers and read music at the same time.Q: How does a violist’s brain cell die?A: Alone.Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?A: Put it in a viola case.Q: What’s the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?A: You can tune a chain saw.Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?A:"That’s the banjo player’s Porsche."Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?A: Seven, if you lay them out correctly.Q: What’s the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.Q: What’s the best recording of the WaltonViolin Concerto?A:"Music Minus One."Q: Why are violist’s fingers like lightning?A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.Tuba Player:"Did you hear my last recital?"Friend:"I hope so."Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.Relative minor: A guitarist’s girlfriend.Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?A: On the first day of school he turns in to the wrong classroom.Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.Q: What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a viola?A: Vibrato.Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?A: They can’t find the key, and they never know when to come in.Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.Q: What’s the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?A: There’s a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?A: A vocalist.Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?A: Stop laughing and shoot again.Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?A: None, they can’t get up that high!Q: What do all great conductors have in common?A: They’re all dead.Q: What’s the definition of optimism?A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?A: Back up.Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist’s car?A: Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.Q: How do you get a three-piece horn section to play in tune?A: Shoot two of them.Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?A: None, they have machines for that now.Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?A: The drool comes out of both sides of the tubist’s mouth.Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?A: Pay him for the pizza.Q: What’s the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?A:"When do we get to play MY songs?"Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?A: When the saxophone lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.Q: What do you call a trombonist with a college degree?A: Night manager at McDonalds.Q: Why are violas larger than violins?A: They aren’t. Violists’ heads are smaller.Q: What’s the difference between a trombone and an anchor?A: You tie a rope to an anchor before your throw it overboard.submitted by David ProctorThe following was submitted by friends John Cuozzo and Barbara GarrisonA new report now says that the Mozart effect is a fraud (via Terry Teachout). For you hip urban professionals: no, playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He'll just have to be admitted into Harvard some other way.Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders that if playing Mozart sonatas for little Hillary or Jason could boost their intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played in their developmental time?Disclaimer: If these inadvertently poke fun at your favorite composer, understand that I also consider many of these composers among my own favorites. Enjoy!LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length and volume -that he's dying.SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.DEBUSSY EFFECT: Child murmurs and mumbles in a sensuous vocabulary that seems to go nowhere, with occasional spouts of fireworks and jazz puppetry.BACH EFFECT: Child speaks in structurally perfect multiple voices, forwards, backwards, upside-down, augmented and diminished, solely for the glory of God.BERLIOZ EFFECT: Child becomes a brilliant colorist, a drug addict, a stalker, and a worthless spouse.BRAHMS EFFECT: Child develops extraordinary attachment to mother or mother surrogate. The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.IVES EFFECT: the child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.STRAVINSKY EFFECT: the child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.ORFF EFFECT: the child delights in saying naughty things that no one notices because they are too busy arguing about the real middle high German Latin pronunciation.
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CLaueR: @jeremyf : Les deux ! @Pem : Désolépourça, c'est un dégât colatéral :)
CLaueR: @jeremyf : Les deux ! @Pem : Désolépourça, c'est un dégât colatéral :)
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Bug: 9583 Submitted by: ecronin@gizmolabs.org Reviewed by: markd@ Approved by:...
Commit bymarkd::proj/darwinports/dports/multimedia/x264/Portfile:ecronin at gizmolabs dot orgReviewed by: markd@ Approved by: Obtained from: Version update to epoch 20060625..5em 0em;">Bug: 9583 Submitted by: